Over the years, I have been privileged to witness some amazing parent-child teams walk through trauma together. Traumatic brain injuries, strokes, dementia and other such incidents bring heat and pressure onto families. I have observed this heat and pressure can sometimes cause explosions and relational ruptures or it can cause amazing and wondrous repairs and welding together of parents and children.
Patients and their families benefitted from studying resources I brought about their specific diagnosis while I benefitted from the opportunity to study their teamwork. Many families had to first learn or remember how to work together before they could focus on therapy specific things. Some, however, had firm foundations of connections that continued far beyond the 18th birthday of the child! This allowed them to pick up immediately and transfer their team mindset to therapy goals. Many of these families were the combined outcomes of sincere and genuine faith and work coupled together- grace intermingled with intentionality on the part of the prior generation that the younger generation could both draw from and pour out in return. It was amazing to watch because the sooner you can focus on therapy after an incident the better the outcome! These strong teams were ready and prepared.
While all these parent-child teams were great, none compares to the teamwork of God the Father and Jesus the Son! Together they created the earth, the fruit of the Sprit, and reconciliation all while defeating the evil one! Even in all this, they achieved beautiful details of paying taxes, feeding thousands, healing sick, invitating friendships, and tearing the veil of separation. John 17 outlines parent-child teamwork as a foundation for the teamwork we build with our own kids. Purposes like joint attention, joint target, consideration, turn-taking, leadership, cause and effect, thinking about others and so many more are seen in this one prayerful conversation of complete unity and team effort between a parent and child.
To honor and imitate this in our daily lives, we just need to alter our perceptions only a fraction to make a monumental difference in our own homes! We only need to add a couple phrases and more thankfulness to our speech to powerfully affect our mindsets as well as the perspectives of our children.
So what are some ways we can intermingle little graces and intentions with our children to build habits to carry our relationships through all the phases of life until our launches to eternity?
Recognize and celebrate the little teamwork moments like getting everyone out the door and to school or practice on time with smiles, maybe a joke, some Scripture, and an “I love you!” High five that stuff! Don’t take it for granted or just expect it and be disappointed when it doesn’t happen! Shoot for it! And then thank the kids! This praises them for now but motivates them for future. When they protect small things like plants or pick up trash, say “thanks for being on my team to take care of creation”. When they are frustrated by wrongs in the world, say “thanks for being on my team that values kindness”.
Team up to celebrate or uplift other people regularly - whether taking donations to shelters or just a favorite candy to a sad friend. Brainstorm together! Let your team bless another team.
Find some causes you can both support beyond graduation from high school and college, beyond sports and work together for them! Just a simple text to share something that reminds you of their values, connects them to your daily “things” and goes a long way. Share some interests that help you connect and engage your kids at least every other week after they have moved out. Search for the shared stuff like you are digging for treasure and pursue grown kids like God pursues you. Respect and encourage their new teams when they marry -merely viewing them as alliances is often so powerful; it is felt. However, look for specific reasons to occasionally say, “I respect the family team you have together and how you _______.” I have seen grown children weep at these words from their parents from the side of a sickbed, but you don’t have to wait until someone is sick to communicate it.
Team clean and team play! Rather than saying “you clean the bathroom and I will clean the kitchen”. Together do both, of course, with music! Say “thanks for being on my team; your presence makes hard stuff better!” Then play! Follow their lead to pretend. Thank them for letting you be on “team imagination” because it is a wonderful break from “adulting”!
Cook together at least once a month, eat together, and then clean up together. If cooking is too hard, build stuff together. It can be Legos but it is even better when it is bookshelf, bed, or foosball table -something that will be a reminder in daily functions of life. Have them work in the yard with you even if they moan and complain, but try and make it fun and always go for a treat when you are done! Thank them!
When playing, don’t always default to competition. Competition is not the only way to build teamwork and sportsmanship. Aim to have a 50/50 split between competition and connection. Half the time compete and the other half work together to see how many volleys you can get together and can you beat your last play session? How many hoops can you make in a row taking turns? How many toys can you both pick up in 2 minutes? How many of some exercise can you do as a team? You get the idea!
May these things help us build teams that will launch family members from home to school, schools to careers, from individuals to marriages, from newlyweds to parents , from illness to recovery, and from death beds to eternity! Our parent-child teams are important and valuable; may PLA-ing well strengthen them!