“I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go: I will guide you with mine eye.” Psalm 32:8 KJV
“I hear the Lord saying, ‘I will stay close to you, instructing and guiding you along the pathway for your life. I will advise you along the way and lead you forth with my eyes as your guide.” Ps 32:8 TPT
The wonder and the beauty of the above verses captivate me! Imagine with me looking upon the face of our Heavenly Father, God, and following His gaze out to settle on its target. Look at the gentle but steadfast expression on His face and then note who is at the “apple of His eye”. Several more recent translations continue with “upon you” or “on you”. I do think that His eyes are alway on us as an Overseer but these two versions and the original text seem to hone in on a slight difference. Think about sitting beside Him sharing His perspective. As we grow in our attachment to God we can begin to see what He sees, it transforms how we see. We have questions and we start to look at what He is looking at to see the answer. We can be absolutely frustrated with an individual, but we can look to His gaze upon them and our esteem of them will change. Where we once saw an enemy or at least someone against us, we now see someone loved and adored. We may still think they are misguided or misunderstand us, but he grows love in us as we notice and appreciate His love for them. His gaze really does guide our heart, and eventually our behavior. This is reflected in the earthly relationships He has given us as well.
When a child brings a toy to an adult and they both begin to engage with the object, that is joint attention or shared focus, defined as “when any two or more people look at an object or marvel together about something at the same time”. When a caregiver says, “oooh, listen to what I just read!” and their loved one proceeds to listen while they read, that is joint attention and builds the relationship. It also happens when a husband says, “Come, let’s pay the bills together!” and each spouse does their part in entering the information into the bank account and the register. This increases the marriage bond, while keeping each one knowledgable on the household finances, should something suddenly happen to the other spouse. Shared focus or joint attention can happen all throughout life and it does accidentally on many occasions. For instance, it occurs when we are watching the same ballgame on TV and texting people in another state about it. However, the more we can set our relationships up, on purpose, to share focus, the stronger our relationships will be.
Why is joint attention important? It plays key role in developing consideration, in mastering listening skills, and in strengthening comprehension. When a healthy attachment and joint attending is built between a child and a parent, it can even affect safety. In an attuned relationship, the child can look at the expression of the parent facing some danger and this helps guide the child back to the parent and away from the danger without any words. If a parent tunes in to what their teen is listening to or watching or reading, the teen feels listened to even though the parent has actually been listening to something that interests them rather than the teen’s actual voice. It is more productive to say “That is interesting. Can I share with you something I have been enjoying lately?” than “How do you listen to that? That is garbage! You should find something better to listen to!” The teen feels heard; the parent is able to monitor and to mentor in less invasive ways, and they have spent shared time even though it may have been in separate moments. As parents actively engage in school lessons and homework, especially while being “with” the child and maybe enjoying a tasty snack, the children gain more understanding because they have relational memory and taste sensation memory intertwined with the rote, informational memory. This will bring the answer up faster in their brains when the teacher asks a question or on a test than just completing a worksheet alone. Does this mean we do the worksheet for them? Most Definitely, “No!” Joint attending is sitting with them, enjoying the snack and letting them process out loud before they write the answer. Powerful learning happens when we listen and remark about how capable a child is when they get the answer or how strong they are at seeking out the answers they don’t remember in the preceding chapter. When noticing and praising attitude and character rather than results around a table with siblings, they will likely begin to imitate the encouragements and be encouraged even when they are not the direct recipient of the praise. While margin is required for this scenario, it can be accomplished when homework is prioritized for Monday and Tuesday, scheduling extracurriculars for Wednesday through Friday as possible.
Why should we train joint attention in ourselves and our kids? Are we or our children in a phase of struggling with always wanting their way? Do our elementary kids currently melt down during homework time? Are most Saturdays spent fighting over cleaning rooms which dominoes into just wishing for Monday morning to separate us into school and work? Does our teen recently feel disconnected, withdrawn and make comments about how lame their parents are? Has depression and “the business side of care” enveloped every conversation had lately with aging parents? All of these things are natural, developmental, and understandable. However, the discomfort of all of these can be eased with some simple joint attending activities. It can seem daunting to add one more thing with all the scheduling, doctor appointments, cleaning clothes, and just getting everyone fed! However, one concept can make even those tasks more pleasant and can also be loads of fun! The concept of “joint attention” is beneficial for the growth of an individual no matter their age and extremely nourishing to any relationship between two people!
So now that we see the benefits of joint attention, how do we train it without being in teaching mode constantly? We use those natural scenarios above of sharing bills, music, and tasks, but more importantly, we PLAY!!! With purpose, with links, and with anticipation, we PLAY! As we play, we the caregivers, ponder the above concept from Psalm 32:8: “[God] guides me with [His] eyes, may we also guide each other to gaze on Him.”
Here are some ways to play for practice in joint attention:
play a version of “Follow the Leader” where the leader sits at one wall of the room. Everyone moves wherever the leader stares. (must be a stare, not a glance)
set up stuffed animals along a bench or sofa. Form sock balls. Plan together which target you are both going to aim to hit. Only move to another target when you have gotten that one knocked down. In summer, do the same thing with water guns and finger puppets or empty containers.
Take turns reading to each other.
Cook together.
Have the passenger confirm your plan as you follow directions on the phone GPS.
If at all possible, when a child brings you something to look at, stop what are doing and marvel at it or even play with it for 2 minutes. You can even say, “I have this task I must complete, but let’s set a timer for 2 minutes and play together really quickly. You can go play more and I will finish this when the timer goes off.” If you can’t stop right then, pause and set a play appointment for 30 minutes or an hour later.
Watch a sunrise or a sunset together.
Pause your day and google a joke together that goes with whatever season it is.
Send a picture of something and say “thinking of you”.
Watch the same ballgame or episode of a show on TV and text each other during it if not physically present.
Send pictures of what you see out your window and ask what they see out their’s if you are in two different states.
Above all, being with someone in the hard is the best joint attention we can provide. Sitting with the them while they are cleaning up. Cueing them and coaching, yes, but most of all reminding them of how strong their arms are to pick up this, or how capable they are to organize that, or how well they endure to get socks on when it used to be so much easier. Being with them as they hone their sport or hobby interest is huge, whether rebounding balls to them to shoot or teeing up their ball between shots at the driving range, or getting their ingredients lined up with measuring utensils for cooking. The travel with them to and from sporting events and engagements is also joint attention, discussing the play and mindset but also using that GPS connection mentioned above, sharing focus on what is presently happening, in the moment, in the drive. Joint attention can be a big part of our relationship with God and can be built more and more into our relationships with others.
Praying we can increase our shared focus and PLA well!