Training Appeals

Let’s review, PLAtime stands for Purposed, Linked, Anticipated time. This training is one more example of those moments!

Purpose: training kids the process of delivering a respectful appeal . Our children need to know how to appeal a decision that has come into their life. Sometimes, it is just turning away an opinion that has surfaced in their environment, other times it is helping a teacher see the child’s perspective, and most importantly, there will be times they need to appeal something we, their parents, have either stated about them or appeal a consequence we are overseeing.

Granted, they can’t do this every time they come up against something where they disagree. I have had some parents say they are afraid to teach kids this because it will only make them more of a struggle to handle. However, kids who grow in this area begin to feel more valued, more connected to their caregivers, and have healthier friendships.

Links: Begin with linking your own heart and mind to Truth regarding appeals. Some of my favorite accounts of appeals in Scripture include: Numbers 27, Esther 4-10, Daniel 3 & 6; Matthew 26; 1 John 2:1

These appeals exhibit the following qualities: respectful acknowledgement of authority, thoughtful motive, consideration of timing, gathering as much information as possible, humble attitude, planned wording, and a responsive heart that remembers the authority even if nothing changes.

Easton’s Bible dictionary defines appeal as “ a reference of any case from an inferior to a superior.” And includes “Moses established a series of juiciaries so appeals could be made on decisions. Paul’s handling of appeal in Acts 25 is also quite interesting to consider when training appeal.”

My favorite memories linked to appeals in our household were when siblings appealed on behalf of each other.

Anticipated:

The Plan of anticipation

First, when setting up appeal training, one must prayerfully acknowledge that sometimes as a parent, my decisions will need to be appealed. This is hardest when I am in a season of clinging to the deception that “I am right.” Honestly, going before God about this is our first step seeking His intervention and guidance for both ourselves and our children.

Secondly, prayerfully aligning with our spouse on what the appeal process looks like in our household is crucial. Some suggestions to consider in the process could include:

• must be written out, (for pre-writers, sketches can be allowed)

• must have 3 reasons of support

• Reasons should align with family values if these are part of the regular family vocabulary

• Must include any information the parents didn’t already know

• and a monthly limit (i.e.2) to how many one child can use. They cannot be allowed to appeal everything; then the writers of the family will manipulate the power.

• Parents can altar or maintain consequence upon examining the appeal, but a clear conversation about all the reasons or information is highly recommended.

Next, training must occur. Plan an activity using role play with a stuffed animal. The character receives a consequence for an imagined situation, requests some time to appeal, works through the appeal with the family together. Parents go though the process with the kids and be sure nothing should be added or tweaked. Or brainstorm some other creative game you can play, practicing the appeal process for training together. Once the process has been written and tested and confirmed, together post the steps on the back of the laundry room door for easy reference or somewhere else no one sees it all the time but it is available.

This training fun can be repeated each year and is a great activity for those single day holidays from school. (This posting of the process and repeating training is an area where I faltered with my oldest 2, but I am choosing to improve with my 3rd. I only trained once and didn’t post a resource. They utilized it for a handful of appeals, but over time, they forgot the training. Then, when I would ask if they wanted to appeal, the overwhelm of “how” kept them from actively following through. Even though we think we don’t, we actually want them to practice on us! It really pays off in high school snd college years!)

The Awaiting of Anticipation

Finally, when a consequence occurs, complaining is not allowed, but parents can remind kids that they are free to use one of their appeals. If the child begins going though the appeal process, they may conclude that the initial decision is actually more solid than they originally thought. In this case, this attempt should not be counted as one of their appeals and the original consequence stands. Only if they actually deliver a completed appeal does it count as one. Parents can consider the appeal and decide to alter or compromise on the scenario or keep it as it originally stood. Either way, there is a shared experience of listening and communicating that is worth invaluable relational treasure!

May we all learn, grow, and maintain our abilities to appeal and PLA well!

Simple celebration

It is that time of year again! "The most wonderful time" when the balance of wanting to get the world for your kid and being practical is a moment by moment decision of emotion. It is the time when the commercials and ads pummel your eyes and ears and open up your children to vulnerable longings that aren't always logical or even in their best interests. I see it on all our faces: the spectrum of the excitement over showering people we love with things that make them smile to the stress of how to afford those things and fit them in the packages and get them safely to their destination, etc. But I want us all to grasp the hope and marvel in what simplicity brings and not forget the amazing power of our imaginations. I believe one of the best earthly things we can give our kids and one of the things the earth tries to squelch is our parental imaginations. Realistic circumstances, good or bad, can weigh heavy on us if we allow them in and they can rob joy but we have such a gift to give when we harness our imaginations and allow them to be seen by our children. If we are doing well financially, we set aside our imaginations for “bought entertainment”; if we are struggling, we can let our imaginations be stifled with stress and exhaustion. We must fight to be steadfast in gifting our imaginations first to God and next to those who come after us.

I was blessed to grow up living with two elderly people and one woman who had indescribable imaginations- my mother and maternal grandparents! I couldn't tell you one single item I ever received as a child on Christmas morning. I remember toys that I had and loved but receiving them is a blur. My most vivid Christmas memory is irony to my mom, because it is one of the Christmases that she was least excited about. I can't tell you what happened to my grandparents ornaments but I only know for some reason they were unusable. My mom and grands were on tight funds that particular year. Replacements were out of the question, so we all made salt dough ornaments and used pinks, blues, yellows, and cookie cutters in the shapes of carousel horses, angels, bells, and stars because that is what we had. We baked and baked and painted and painted and I will never forget it!
We saved some of them and in following years I would try to hang them on the tree and mom would just roll her eyes and laugh because I loved them so much. She was able to replace the traditional ornaments and we never did this again but it made one of the happiest grooves on my long term memory.

I share this because there will inevitably be hard years for Christmas for all of us. There will be seasons of financial difficulty, seasons of health challenges that prevent the large Christmas tree from happening, seasons where we feel alone, missing the person who used to occupy that chair and question why we would decorate for just ourselves. There will be seasons when it is our turn to cover that shift at work on Christmas Day. I pray that even in these years we will find ways to celebrate what God did and does, to bring a smile to ourselves, to our kids, and maybe to a stranger, despite circumstance- to celebrate that there was a day that He was born to die for me; that we can choose joy and jubilation because we do not forget that. No, it may not be on the actual day of His birth but it is a time set aside to remember His birth!


Some simple ways to remember to look Up during the holidays on a minimal budget :

Salt dough ornaments or popcorn strands!

Box tree. Remember that kids love boxes and bows. Save the ones that come home from the grocery store or wherever. Stack them in the form of a tree, drape them in whatever you can find to decorate. You can even knock them down and restack again.


Book tree. Use books. Some of my favorite trees are ones made out of books arranged in a tree shape. These are great for offices!

Paper tree. Make one on the wall with construction paper. Decorate with popcorn, crayon drawn lights.

Toy Hall of Fame Decor. (Also great for offices and great conversation starter) The Dollar Tree has domino sets, dice, crayons, playing cards, and rubber ducks. A tree with single dominoes, playing cards, crayons, and rubber ducks tucked in its branches is a beautiful sight. You can even glue marbles on to give a shimmer and shine if you don't have string lights. Candlelight shining through or bouncing off a plastic or glass dish of marbles is beautiful! For sensory fun, lightly massage your palm over the tray of marbles.

Garland or decorate slowly. If a tree is too hard to put up with aging, consider adding only 7 ornaments each day, or just use garland in simple, easy to reach areas. Don’t decorate for others to see. Decorate to celebrate, even if you are not hosting.

Toilet paper roll snowflakes. They are easy, fun, and beautiful! They can carry the celebration on into January if some extra uplifting is needed!

And most of all, read the same books every year! Sometimes by yourself; sometimes together! Traditions heal and help us remember God, but if all our traditions are big and expensive and always have lots of people, we short-circuit them. We need simple woven amongst the extravagant, even when it is the best of years! This makes is easier to weave celebrations into the hardest of years, but often the simplest things are the favorite memories from all the years!

Key Purpose Highlight: Joint Attention

“I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go: I will guide you with mine eye.” Psalm 32:8 KJV

“I hear the Lord saying, ‘I will stay close to you, instructing and guiding you along the pathway for your life. I will advise you along the way and lead you forth with my eyes as your guide.” Ps 32:8 TPT

The wonder and the beauty of the above verses captivate me! Imagine with me looking upon the face of our Heavenly Father, God, and following His gaze out to settle on its target. Look at the gentle but steadfast expression on His face and then note who is at the “apple of His eye”. Several more recent translations continue with “upon you” or “on you”. I do think that His eyes are alway on us as an Overseer but these two versions and the original text seem to hone in on a slight difference. Think about sitting beside Him sharing His perspective. As we grow in our attachment to God we can begin to see what He sees, it transforms how we see. We have questions and we start to look at what He is looking at to see the answer. We can be absolutely frustrated with an individual, but we can look to His gaze upon them and our esteem of them will change. Where we once saw an enemy or at least someone against us, we now see someone loved and adored. We may still think they are misguided or misunderstand us, but he grows love in us as we notice and appreciate His love for them. His gaze really does guide our heart, and eventually our behavior. This is reflected in the earthly relationships He has given us as well.

When a child brings a toy to an adult and they both begin to engage with the object, that is joint attention or shared focus, defined as “when any two or more people look at an object or marvel together about something at the same time”. When a caregiver says, “oooh, listen to what I just read!” and their loved one proceeds to listen while they read, that is joint attention and builds the relationship. It also happens when a husband says, “Come, let’s pay the bills together!” and each spouse does their part in entering the information into the bank account and the register. This increases the marriage bond, while keeping each one knowledgable on the household finances, should something suddenly happen to the other spouse. Shared focus or joint attention can happen all throughout life and it does accidentally on many occasions. For instance, it occurs when we are watching the same ballgame on TV and texting people in another state about it. However, the more we can set our relationships up, on purpose, to share focus, the stronger our relationships will be.

Why is joint attention important? It plays key role in developing consideration, in mastering listening skills, and in strengthening comprehension. When a healthy attachment and joint attending is built between a child and a parent, it can even affect safety. In an attuned relationship, the child can look at the expression of the parent facing some danger and this helps guide the child back to the parent and away from the danger without any words. If a parent tunes in to what their teen is listening to or watching or reading, the teen feels listened to even though the parent has actually been listening to something that interests them rather than the teen’s actual voice. It is more productive to say “That is interesting. Can I share with you something I have been enjoying lately?” than “How do you listen to that? That is garbage! You should find something better to listen to!” The teen feels heard; the parent is able to monitor and to mentor in less invasive ways, and they have spent shared time even though it may have been in separate moments. As parents actively engage in school lessons and homework, especially while being “with” the child and maybe enjoying a tasty snack, the children gain more understanding because they have relational memory and taste sensation memory intertwined with the rote, informational memory. This will bring the answer up faster in their brains when the teacher asks a question or on a test than just completing a worksheet alone. Does this mean we do the worksheet for them? Most Definitely, “No!” Joint attending is sitting with them, enjoying the snack and letting them process out loud before they write the answer. Powerful learning happens when we listen and remark about how capable a child is when they get the answer or how strong they are at seeking out the answers they don’t remember in the preceding chapter. When noticing and praising attitude and character rather than results around a table with siblings, they will likely begin to imitate the encouragements and be encouraged even when they are not the direct recipient of the praise. While margin is required for this scenario, it can be accomplished when homework is prioritized for Monday and Tuesday, scheduling extracurriculars for Wednesday through Friday as possible.

Why should we train joint attention in ourselves and our kids? Are we or our children in a phase of struggling with always wanting their way? Do our elementary kids currently melt down during homework time? Are most Saturdays spent fighting over cleaning rooms which dominoes into just wishing for Monday morning to separate us into school and work? Does our teen recently feel disconnected, withdrawn and make comments about how lame their parents are? Has depression and “the business side of care” enveloped every conversation had lately with aging parents? All of these things are natural, developmental, and understandable. However, the discomfort of all of these can be eased with some simple joint attending activities. It can seem daunting to add one more thing with all the scheduling, doctor appointments, cleaning clothes, and just getting everyone fed! However, one concept can make even those tasks more pleasant and can also be loads of fun! The concept of “joint attention” is beneficial for the growth of an individual no matter their age and extremely nourishing to any relationship between two people!

So now that we see the benefits of joint attention, how do we train it without being in teaching mode constantly? We use those natural scenarios above of sharing bills, music, and tasks, but more importantly, we PLAY!!! With purpose, with links, and with anticipation, we PLAY! As we play, we the caregivers, ponder the above concept from Psalm 32:8: “[God] guides me with [His] eyes, may we also guide each other to gaze on Him.”

Here are some ways to play for practice in joint attention:

• play a version of “Follow the Leader” where the leader sits at one wall of the room. Everyone moves wherever the leader stares. (must be a stare, not a glance)

• set up stuffed animals along a bench or sofa. Form sock balls. Plan together which target you are both going to aim to hit. Only move to another target when you have gotten that one knocked down. In summer, do the same thing with water guns and finger puppets or empty containers.

• Take turns reading to each other.

• Cook together.

• Have the passenger confirm your plan as you follow directions on the phone GPS.

• If at all possible, when a child brings you something to look at, stop what are doing and marvel at it or even play with it for 2 minutes. You can even say, “I have this task I must complete, but let’s set a timer for 2 minutes and play together really quickly. You can go play more and I will finish this when the timer goes off.” If you can’t stop right then, pause and set a play appointment for 30 minutes or an hour later.

• Watch a sunrise or a sunset together.

• Pause your day and google a joke together that goes with whatever season it is.

• Send a picture of something and say “thinking of you”.

• Watch the same ballgame or episode of a show on TV and text each other during it if not physically present.

• Send pictures of what you see out your window and ask what they see out their’s if you are in two different states.

Above all, being with someone in the hard is the best joint attention we can provide. Sitting with the them while they are cleaning up. Cueing them and coaching, yes, but most of all reminding them of how strong their arms are to pick up this, or how capable they are to organize that, or how well they endure to get socks on when it used to be so much easier. Being with them as they hone their sport or hobby interest is huge, whether rebounding balls to them to shoot or teeing up their ball between shots at the driving range, or getting their ingredients lined up with measuring utensils for cooking. The travel with them to and from sporting events and engagements is also joint attention, discussing the play and mindset but also using that GPS connection mentioned above, sharing focus on what is presently happening, in the moment, in the drive. Joint attention can be a big part of our relationship with God and can be built more and more into our relationships with others.

Praying we can increase our shared focus and PLA well!

Wisdom Tooth Extraction

While some resources come from ideas that I learn from success, others come from lessons that I learned through inadequacy. This is one of those!

My eldest child just experienced wisdom tooth extraction and I have two more children who will follow in their footsteps. The requirements of my caregiving increased more than I anticipated-which means there were areas where we were not prepared. So I am making a few notes to help in the future as I walk this road with my other two and I am posting them here. If anyone else has extra tips, please share them in the comments section.

1. Having these teeth removed early is a bonus! We are so glad to have been financially prepared to have them out at 16 years old rather than waiting. One mom that I spoke with in the waiting room was there with her 19 year old daughter and they were having to do extra procedures because it had been super hard to schedule it. It would help to set aside some money between 13 and 15 years old to be ready.

2. When scheduling, I wish we had planned for a three- week separation from any special days or celebrations. We only had one week from a birthday and it was fine but an extra week of cushion as well as a week just in case their were dry sockets would have been extremely beneficial. Also if possible keep margin for just sitting with them while they heal. It is easy to just schedule it when best for child, but the less activity for the whole family, the better.

3. Take the phone away from the child until the sedation wears off completely. Too often they will post a video they wouldn’t normally make or will call someone they don’t really want to call. Thank goodness, this didn’t happen to us, but it did to a friend.

4. Have a bell or squeaker toy or something else they can use to get your attention without talking or yelling for you (especially since you still need to have their phone).

5. The diet was the hardest part for us! The daily trips to the store will likely happen but with this list maybe we could have decreased the number of trips per day. Since wisdom teeth procedures often coincide with growth spurt timeframes, these teens are extremely hungry and the soft foods do not fill them up for long. Prior to surgery I would find a protein shake that the particular teen prefers. Multiple packs of pudding, jello, mac-n-cheese, and milkshakes only do so much and those growing bodies start needing more protein to keep away the “Hangry”! Having a good meatloaf recipe that they have tried and perfected before surgery with just meat, ketchup, Worcestershire sauce, and breadcrumbs is very handy 4-5 days after procedure. Also chicken fettuccini alfredo (with shredded not chunks of chicken) is helpful. Chicken or tuna salad with just the meat and some mayo or mushed avocado would be an option- any pickles or apples or grapes will likely be hard to control and keep out of the sockets though. Chicken noodle soups can be a bit slippery and hard to control to keep out of sockets, but broths are great. Baked potatoes and sweet potatoes are great to have on hand (broths can be poured over them for extra protein) along with soft cheeses they can couple with applesauce, canned pears, and bananas.

6. The frozen peas! Have at least 4 bags of those for ice packs (you can rotate 2 for each side of face for 30 minutes on 30 minutes off if swelling is really bad; 2- 3 times a day for mild swelling). They are so much better than actual hard ice packs. Socks filled with rice and frozen are great for later days 4-6 but the peas are so good for getting the extra cold to cheeks for jaw swelling the first 3 days.

7. Set aside some of their favorite toys, movies, games and books from their childhood. This is a repeated practice PLAtime sick day survival but it is great even for young adults. Nostalgia releases endorphins that are extremely helpful in healing! Googling “wisdom tooth jokes” together can also lighten the mood and help you look forward to laughing about your own experience in the future.

Other tips and tricks:

-set a timer for pain meds to stay ahead of the pain for first 3 days. When weaning only extend 30 minutes at a time on day 4 and 5.

-use chicken broth to make mashed potatoes instead of water to get extra protein and sustain teen appetites

-boil chicken on low slowly or cook in crock pot, add mild seasoning and shred for those who don’t like chicken salad; leave out pickles and fruit from chicken salad. Simply use avocado or mayo and other soft ingredients that are less likely to hang in stitches

-use 5% fat yogurt, bananas, sweet potatoes, and whole milk in smoothies but not blueberries or strawberries with small particles to irritate wounds

-use yeti-like cups with lids wide open to serve milkshakes and smoothies since straws are forbidden for 3 weeks

-Scrambled eggs, ice cream, apple sauce, jello and pudding are fantastic if they like them.

May you have hope, bonding, and rest in healing and PLA well!

Pattern Fun!

©2020 PLAtime

“Yellow, green, green, yellow, green, green…” the boy exclaimed as he built a “train” of Legos like Mom’s. This task may seem extremely simple however there is so much going on inside that little mind! Many communication concepts kaleidoscope together to form Pattern Play! This child is utilizing detail distinction, color identification, naming, following directions, sequencing skills, and more to follow his mother’s example. All of these concepts join in beautiful alignment!

A parent with strong pattern skills is the greatest resource for a child learning pattern skills! A caregiver with strong pattern skills is an asset to someone who has experienced injuries to the brain. Patterns are excellent compensatory strategies to strengthen daily function and matter far more than just matching one’s attire! Some people are more relational and get overwhelmed with tasks; this breaks down the day to help them tackle and accomplish more. Task-driven people can accomplish a lot in a day, but allow relational concepts to fall through the cracks; this helps them keep track of those. Trauma also affects pattern skills which affect daily function- whether physical or emotional trauma. Playing with patterns affects productivity in other areas and assists in advancing problem solving skills in any brain——- whether it is developing, healthy, injured, or aging. Deuteronomy 6:7 and Colossians 3:1-2 guide this pattern for the day!

Watch how patterns help in the following example of a day at home with littles:

“Above” Mental/heart setting Awake with thanks, praise, and direction

Spouse attention Attend to their departure from home; anticipate their return

Kid Character focus Morning Joke and Scripture

Physical needs of family Breakfast and pet care

Appreciate home Load laundry (M-Kid; T- Towels; H-Parent; F/S- bedding)

Personal Health/hygiene Teeth care with positive thought or encouragement from mirror

Advance (in His Plans) Personal Growth activity i.e. Drink water

————————Repeat above pattern; but alternate tasks—————————-

“Above” Mental/heart setting Teachable heart with a school lesson

Spouse attention Prep supper; text spouse the plan (can add flirt emoji)

Kid Character focus Finishing a school task completely

Physical Needs of family Morning snack with a hug “delivery”

Appreciate home Unload Dishwasher

Personal Health/hygiene Stretch as family or dance party or go for family walk

Advance (in God’s Plans) Work session

Repeat the pattern until 4pm and you automatically have productive, relational day!

**************************************

**Note: Decode the acronym the pattern spells with the first letters! The first three are relational and have more inward flow like an inhale. They spell “ASK”. The following four are more task-oriented involving outward flow like that of an exhale. They spell “PAPA”. Together all 7, spell “ASK PAPA”. My acronym friend, Christi, encouraged this part and I treasure it! Patterns began personally for me in hopes of asking His direction from morning until night. Patterns also built in cues of inviting Him into the moments rather than just asking His direction in the morning and barreling ahead independently until bedtime prayers.

Options for rotating tasks into the pattern sets:

“Above” Heart/Mental setting Bible study, Bill pay, Pause (Phil 4:6-8), look at a pic of favorite flowers, etc., thanks, praise, direction, prayer, learning something new and hard with God’s help

Spouse attention Purposefully think appreciative thoughts of them, Text, Call, Pray for day, Bake them a treat, Complete 1 chore that says, “Welcome home”, etc., Anticipate their return, snuggle or more

Kid character focus Another school lesson, pray for day, play, read, go for walk, plant something, protect something smaller or younger (pet care), etc.

Physical needs of family meals, snacks, hug, wink, laugh, bath time, smile at them, or disinfect 1 room, etc.

Appreciate Home Unload Dishwasher, Sweep/Vacuum 1 room, Fold laundry, (*note: sometimes you must split these in half and fold half a load one pattern cycle; finish on next pattern cycle

Personal Health/hygiene Stretch, dance party or go for walk, free play, hydrate, shower, bath, alone time, friend time (couple any of these with gratitude thought)

Advance in His Plans for me Jeremiah 29:11 and Romans 15:13 are excellent guides regarding God’s plans for us! Personal growth and self care activity, Drink water, read, practice a hobby, research an interest, work on a character trait, talk to a friend, wisely enjoy a TV show , go sit in the swing, etc.

Was it clear how this differs from a schedule with time? It is an order but some tasks take an hour while some are only 2 minutes long. These shorter activities usually have the biggest impact on the day but are the ones most often forgotten. These little deletions can quickly send the day in a downward spiral and seem to do the most relational damage! One complete pattern of 7 may only take one hour to complete; while another set takes 3 hours. That is ok!

This is just an example. Change out the titles or the options for what fits in your family. Some options fit into two or more categories- so they can be repeated as well. Once we, as parents, practice patterns in our daily life for 1 week, we can try incorporating patterns into our kids lives that complement our patterns. This can increase the relational rhythm, consistency, and efficiency in the home. May we all PLA well with patterns and to see how they benefit us!

Key Purpose Highlight: Teamwork

Over the years, I have been privileged to witness some amazing parent-child teams walk through trauma together. Traumatic brain injuries, strokes, dementia and other such incidents bring heat and pressure onto families. I have observed this heat and pressure can sometimes cause explosions and relational ruptures or it can cause amazing and wondrous repairs and welding together of parents and children.

Patients and their families benefitted from studying resources I brought about their specific diagnosis while I benefitted from the opportunity to study their teamwork. Many families had to first learn or remember how to work together before they could focus on therapy specific things. Some, however, had firm foundations of connections that continued far beyond the 18th birthday of the child! This allowed them to pick up immediately and transfer their team mindset to therapy goals. Many of these families were the combined outcomes of sincere and genuine faith and work coupled together- grace intermingled with intentionality on the part of the prior generation that the younger generation could both draw from and pour out in return. It was amazing to watch because the sooner you can focus on therapy after an incident the better the outcome! These strong teams were ready and prepared.

While all these parent-child teams were great, none compares to the teamwork of God the Father and Jesus the Son! Together they created the earth, the fruit of the Sprit, and reconciliation all while defeating the evil one! Even in all this, they achieved beautiful details of paying taxes, feeding thousands, healing sick, invitating friendships, and tearing the veil of separation. John 17 outlines parent-child teamwork as a foundation for the teamwork we build with our own kids. Purposes like joint attention, joint target, consideration, turn-taking, leadership, cause and effect, thinking about others and so many more are seen in this one prayerful conversation of complete unity and team effort between a parent and child.

To honor and imitate this in our daily lives, we just need to alter our perceptions only a fraction to make a monumental difference in our own homes! We only need to add a couple phrases and more thankfulness to our speech to powerfully affect our mindsets as well as the perspectives of our children. 

So what are some ways we can intermingle little graces and intentions with our children to build habits to carry our relationships through all the phases of life until our launches to eternity?

1. Recognize and celebrate the little teamwork moments like getting everyone out the door and to school or practice on time with smiles, maybe a joke, some Scripture, and an “I love you!” High five that stuff! Don’t take it for granted or just expect it and be disappointed when it doesn’t happen! Shoot for it! And then thank the kids! This praises them for now but motivates them for future. When they protect small things like plants or pick up trash, say “thanks for being on my team to take care of creation”. When they are frustrated by wrongs in the world, say “thanks for being on my team that values kindness”.

2. Team up to celebrate or uplift other people regularly - whether taking donations to shelters or just a favorite candy to a sad friend. Brainstorm together! Let your team bless another team.

   Find some causes you can both support beyond graduation from high school and college, beyond sports and work together for them! Just a simple text to share something that reminds you of their values, connects them to your daily “things” and goes a long way. Share some interests that help you connect and engage your kids at least every other week after they have moved out. Search for the shared stuff like you are digging for treasure and pursue grown kids like God pursues you. Respect and encourage their new teams when they marry -merely viewing them as alliances is often so powerful; it is felt. However, look for specific reasons to occasionally say, “I respect the family team you have together and how you _______.” I have seen grown children weep at these words from their parents from the side of a sickbed, but you don’t have to wait until someone is sick to communicate it.

3. Team clean and team play! Rather than saying “you clean the bathroom and I will clean the kitchen”. Together do both, of course, with music! Say “thanks for being on my team; your presence makes hard stuff better!” Then play! Follow their lead to pretend. Thank them for letting you be on “team imagination” because it is a wonderful break from “adulting”!

4. Cook together at least once a month, eat together, and then clean up together. If cooking is too hard, build stuff together. It can be Legos but it is even better when it is bookshelf, bed, or foosball table -something that will be a reminder in daily functions of life. Have them work in the yard with you even if they moan and complain, but try and make it fun and always go for a treat when you are done! Thank them!

5. When playing, don’t always default to competition. Competition is not the only way to build teamwork and sportsmanship. Aim to have a 50/50 split between competition and connection. Half the time compete and the other half work together to see how many volleys you can get together and can you beat your last play session? How many hoops can you make in a row taking turns? How many toys can you both pick up in 2 minutes? How many of some exercise can you do as a team? You get the idea!

May these things help us build teams that will launch family members from home to school, schools to careers, from individuals to marriages, from newlyweds to parents , from illness to recovery, and from death beds to eternity! Our parent-child teams are important and valuable; may PLA-ing well strengthen them!

The Value of a Penny

It is National One Cent Day!! Here are some connections for you and your children to delight in together.

Truth Connection:

(parents this is more for us to ponder while we connect than to read to our children. This is a “PLAtime” for us to enjoy  with our Heavenly Father while we sit beside Him and delight in the children He has brought us for company. This is the last part of anticipating before play. Read and then choose one or more activities to do with your child.) 

 Copper coins in Scripture: Mark 12:41-44. In my youth, when I heard this story I would wonder at why Jesus didn’t get the money and take it back to her as provision. Now that we are closer, I know that she was provided for more than those cents would have ever been able to gain. One of my favorite things about Jesus that grows and grows the more I know him is there is always more than meets the eye! He is always doing things that are unseen! As 1 Samuel 16:7 says: “Man looks at the outward appearance but the LORD looks at the heart.” And as long as I am allowing Him to shape my heart, the things I think are my best but that I know fall short of what others seem to be doing are the very things that He will use - the tiny things, the things that don’t get much attention go so far. He has done more with the little things I have forgotten I did than with the things I would call great accomplishments. May He join us today as we play in these simple little connections! May He move mightily in our hearts as He moves the hearts of our children.

Bonding Connection:

ask a grandparent or other adult  if they remember ever buying anything for a penny

Wonder Connection:

(A.K.A.”school” or “learning connection) Experiment: mix ¼ cup of vinegar and 1 tsp salt. Drop in some dirty pennies to dissolve corrosion and clean pennies; (see video above) some do better than others depending on the minting year. For more facts and history, see: https://www.marketwatch.com/story10-things-you-didnt-know-about-pennies-for-nationalonecentday

Creation Connection:

create napkin rings, a ring, or a shield for a minifigure using pennies (see photos) glued to cut strips of cardboard tubing (I.e. paper towel roll). Sections of old snap keychain make great details for ring. Wear and stamp into play dough to see how a signet ring works. The snap with a few links of the keychain can be used as a grip for the Lego shield if you don’t have a Lego piece with a handle. Snuggle in and look online together for other things to make with pennies. There are so many! Then follow your child’s lead as much as you can to create what they want to make.

Shared Target:

Cut a cardboard tube about 2 inches tall. Cut open one side to create a target. Take turns trying to spin a penny and hit it… work together to see how many times you can hit it in a row! This can also be done via video chat with friends or family if each person has 1 penny & 1 Target. (Check our Instagram and Facebook for video)

Giving Connection:

see if there are any gifts you can make or buy each other using a few pennies. If there are siblings in your family, this is a great way for parents to brainstorm with each child about something they can give the other siblings “just because” or to celebrate Easter this year. (This was going to be a lot easier before the quarantine. Some businesses celebrate One Cent Day… this may be something you have to anticipate for this day next year!) 

Trust Connection:

“a penny for your thoughts” Parents, look for something to ask your child’s advice on this week. Get their thoughts no matter their age. You don’t have to use the advice, but if you can, it will likely build trust in themselves and even you a bit more.

Consequence Helper

©2020 www.PLAtimebox.com

When I began homeschooling my third child in December of 2018, the first week was not pleasant! Homeschooling was not my optimal choice, but it was needed at the time. My daughter and I were attempting to navigate new roles and I was combining where she had had two former people into one: teacher and mom. There were meltdowns and conflicts and we were not moving together but rather pushing away from each other all day. She would resort to tears and I would default to attempting to force or control. We finished assignments but often without actual learning or emotional connection. We did finally get in a groove to complete tasks and go our separate ways, but a few weeks in my middle child (her older brother) came to me and said, “Mom, do remember the consequence bags you had for me and my brother? I think our little sister needs to understand it too!” He was seeing things in her during play that also showed she needed help with cause and effect in relationships. The brothers (5 and 7 years older) even agreed to participate in the consequence system for her sake when they were around. This provided her with models as well to go along with her own experience! So, I backed up and went through my therapy stuff and what I kept from when the boys were younger and took his advice.

Parenting can make us tired and exhaustion can make us very inconsistent; I can say this system (once I re-engaged with it) did help us all remember valuable lessons about consequences and helped us connect relationally rather than just focus on behavior. Learning about cause and effect in tasks transfers to relationships. Sharing in consequences both “wanted” and “unwanted” draws us together even in disagreements by giving us times to remember that we all make mistakes and what it feels like to learn from the unwanted consequences as well as the wanted ones. It also robs the world of any false accusations that can come with too much solitary confinement.

**NOTE: these consequences are NOT for lying or outright disobedience like pretending to be doing something you were told to do while doing something different or hearing you say “Don’t touch that” and then looking directly at you while going and touching. Those actions require swift, strong responses previously decided and agreed upon by both parents. These consequences are for things like whining, for dragging out a task without asking for help, for doing something half-way or with floppy arms rather than strong ones. Sometimes it can be for just being a kid and making a mistake but needing to still learn a lesson; for not trying to do something with solid effort; or for thinking and spewing lots of negative stuff about a task before considering what is involved and just trying. Using these little slips of paper lets a ‘time-out’ keep its power and keeps the child from being in ‘time-out’ all day. It helps keep parents more consistent and not have to think up consequences on the spot every time. More importantly, it connects the child with more people in both “wanted” consequences as well as “unwanted” ones.

Key Thoughts for Parents about Consequences:

• In life, natural consequences rarely exactly fit the original action. Sometimes they can be too harsh; other times not harsh enough. Sometimes they are extravagant; others times they don’t meet what was expected. However, there is almost always some consequence or effect of every decision or action. We must choose whether we prefer a “wanted’ consequence over an “unwanted” consequence no matter the size. A child drawing a consequence from a bag is more like real life than parents just doling them out. This process also increases consistency when parents are tired and don’t want to think up a consequence. The unknown helps both the parent and kids understand these truths together. There will likely be a moment when your child draws the slip with “Grace” written on it from the unwanted bag, and you will need to excuse yourself to get a grip because you wanted wrath to be unleashed. Unfortunately, I speak from experience!

• Consequences often don’t just affect one person. “Unwanted” ones trickle over to other people and “wanted” ones often overflow multiplying blessing. To help children experience this, package some items in the treasure box in doubles- one the child can keep and one they can give. When they draw the “treasure box” slip and then draw a double; help them think of who to bless and how.

• This is a scaffold for families to build on! Some will label the consequences “wanted/unwanted; others will say “added to life/ removed from life”; still others will use “blessings/corrections” Some parents have actually paid into the “General fund” from their own purse or wallet when a child drew “Grace” as a reminder that with the ultimate Grace, the Price was still paid by Christ other than the offender. Some families use “Grace Slips” to stand for “no consequence” while other parents have actually blessed with a “wanted consequence” …this is up to the parent and the development of child’s understanding. Going in levels and building on it is great — starting with no consequence, then with teaching and acknowledging someone else is paying what you owe, and then with realizing you are getting something you do not deserve and have not earned.

• This last thought is a big one! The others can be articulated to kids when the time is right but even at 43 years old, this one requires supernatural assistance for comprehension. Even correction consequences are grace! Grace encompasses both correction and forgiveness! The same Grace placed the angel guard to prevent re-entrance to Garden of Eden that resurrected Christ from death on the cross. They were both to keep us from living forever in that condition. I am going to depend solely on Hebrews 12:5-7 from the Passion Translation to describe this: “My child, don’t underestimate the value of the discipline and training of the Lord God, or get depressed when he has to correct you. For the Lord’s training of your life is the evidence of his faithful love. And when he draws you to himself, it proves you are his delightful child. Fully embrace God’s correction as part of your training, for he is doing what any loving father does for his children. For who has ever heard of a child who never had to be corrected?” I hope you will read the whole chapter but I want you to look at 1) truly embracing correction for yourself and for your child 2) every child needs correction -it is not just you and not just your child 3) there is only One Perfect Parent and none of us were meant to take His Place - even in the life of our child. We imitate God when we imitate His parenting to both correct and to give and pour blessing. For further study, Isaiah 1 especially verse 18 depicts more of God as the Perfect Parent, but I leave you with Revelation 3:19 -” Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline…”

  Now let us go forth into this ongoing activity!

Key Target: Cause and Effect

Items Needed:

• 2 makeup or pencil zipper bags from the dollar store (or decorated brown paper bags) . You must not be able to see through them.

• A coin pouch for each child. (These are great for Easter baskets or stocking stuffers; just use ziplock bags with names decorated until the holiday celebrations)

• Pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters

• (Optional) Treasure box with some items doubled and packaged together

• PLAtime’s Consequence Helper Free Printable

PLA Steps:

1. Download this: free printable.

2. Cut the slips and put the left column (unwanted consequences) in one zipper bag and the right column (wanted consequences) in a separate zipper bag. These should be easy to travel to maintain consistency at park, etc. Have each child share ideas for 1 or 2 consequences to add to each bag. Parents determine if the suggested consequences can be added.

3. Give each child 2 pennies,2 dimes, and 2 nickels to put in their coin pouch.

4. Put all leftover coins in a ‘general’ ziplock bag to use for redeeming the slips.

5. When a child shows praiseworthy attitude and strong effort, have them draw from the “wanted consequence” Bag. When they show poor attitude or lack of effort, have them draw from the “unwanted consequence” bag. If the child is younger than 5, redeem the slip immediately. If older, you can have them hold all slips in their coin pouch until the end of the day and redeem during an afternoon snack. During redemption discuss what they could do that night and the next day to get more “wanted consequences”.

6. When a child draws “lose a toy”, place the toy in a bin or bag that is unavailable until a rainy day. Toys that are “lost” or not picked up at the end of the day go into “rainy day container”. Everyone gets “freed” the next time it rains. When you notice on repeated rainy days that items are not pulled out of the container, consider they are likely ready for donation or packing away for a younger sibling.

May you draw nearer to your child even in correction; may you enjoy each other more; and may you PLA well!

Key Purpose Highlight: Leadership

© 2020 www.PLAtimebox.com

“Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, and in purity.” - 1 Timothy 4:12

“You can do what I cannot do. I can do what you cannot do. Together we can do great things.” - Mother Theresa

I have an extremely fond memory of helping a young friend work through a Bible lesson. They were around 8 years old and it was at VBS or other similar environment. The activities and discussion involved Jesus eating with tax collectors and sinners and then these people following him. There was a question about how Jesus felt when people would follow him. You and I know the writer was trying to elicit how happy this made Jesus. However, with all the innocence you can imagine, my friend earnestly shared that Jesus did not want to be followed. The perception they received from the lesson was from their own thoughts and imaginings of being followed — of people creeping around behind them like spies or something. “Who would want that?!?!?!”

Leadership is funny! Lots of people try to master it; there are many teachings on it; and our culture often holds it in high esteem. But how do we use it in connecting with our kids? Leadership involves both leading and following. Related strengths can naturally be observed in some kids more than others. Adults can be found all around putting kids in “boxes” and under “labels” concerning their leadership skills. However, whether they are more naturally gifted at leading or following, kids will be required to do both for the 18 years with their parents as well as all throughout life. Having leadership as a key target in mind when playing with our kids helps to give them practice in both sides of leadership, choosing whom to lead and whom to follow as well as what activities to lead and where to follow other more skilled authorities.

In order to target leadership skills in our connections we must understand that it is a mid-level development skill. This means it builds upon foundational skills like consideration, listening, planning, and narration. But leadership understanding is required for later developing skills like sequencing and for moving from parallel play (where kids play different things side by side) to more social play (where they interact together with same ideas or objects). As we intentionally give our kids fun practice in both leading and following it makes them stronger and more well-rounded. Many of the PLAtime bags and boxes have leadership as a key target, but let’s explore some other activities where leadership practice can be a goal in our daily connections.

1. Play classic “Follow the Leader”. Take turns and use the timer to ensure that adults practice following and kids practice leading for the same amount of time.

2. Role play where a kid is the parent and a parent is the child. Use finger puppets or figurines to make this more manageable. You can change the levels of complexity and let children experinence how it feels to lead someone who is not a great follower by not listening well sometimes. This will also help them practice gently correcting someone or helpfully clarifying their instructions. Be sure to do this without a sense of mocking them. Just let them experience the differences in how much more fun you can accomplish when everyone follows immediately well versus when there is delay and disorder.

3. Have the child lead you through an obstacle course with your eyes closed. Then switch roles. If they try to take you through something that is too small for them, have them reconsider their “follower” and find something more appropriate for everyone. This builds consideration further.

4. Allow them to plan their birthday. This is not just about a party! Broaden their thinking beyond a party with questions like “How should we celebrate this past year that God has given you?” “Would you like for the whole family to enjoy doing something you just learned to do this year- like riding bikes or ice skating?” “Is there an experience or trip we could take to commemorate a milestone?” or as a favorite mentor encouraged me,” just let them choose the menu for breakfast, lunch, and dinner and a schedule of games throughout the day!” All of these require the child to guide and the adult to follow (within reason and budget). Do this months in advance to allow for dreaming, envisioning, and modifying to occur.

5. Include them in the planning of a meal or the purchase of a gift for someone. Try to stick as closely to their directions as possible even if the literal meaning does not get what they really wanted originally. This will help them grow and provide clearer directions later.

6. Dance with them! Dads lead daughters rather than just let them stand on your feet. Moms allow your boys to lead. Watch some tips and tricks on you tube to with what to do with hands to communicate with your dance partner.

7. Set a play “appointment” for Tuesday at 3 (for younger kids - 30 minutes to an hour from now and set timer). Tell them they will be in charge of what you are playing. This means they set up all the needed toys and then you will come and meet them and play whatever they want. This type of play will likely require turn-taking of them leading and you adding your own ideas that they follow. This lets them practice more developed social play where one minute they lead and your follow but the next minute, roles change.

May we all (adults included) use play to practice and sharpen both our leading and following skills to PLA well!

Media and Mentoring (Part 2) - Influenced by the Mind of Christ

©2020 www.platimebox.com

Click here for concepts to merge media and mentoring together in parenting/caregiving (Pt. 1).

The world would like us to believe that our kids and grandkids can “reverse mentor” us when it comes to technology. It seems to come so easy to them because it has been around most of their lives, yet it still feels new to us. Stepping into our roles as mentors in this area can seem daunting, but we must guard the role and invest the time and effort to become proficient with technology.

We must keep the reason clearly before us; it is not to be the best at games or to know the most about devices. Reasons to learn technological proficiency are: to use it as a tool to glorify God, to use it to draw others to Him, and to shepherd those He has allowed to be in our care.

The first person we must mentor is ourselves.

We must humble ourselves and submit to His Shepherding even our technological devices. When keeping technology as a tool, we must rule it instead of allowing it to rule us. We must live humbly but authentically in the authority He has given us. This requires routine examination, stewardship, and maintenance. We must filter stimuli that dehydrate our relationships (along with our souls, hearts, and minds) and increase practices that strengthen and restore those. We must find more ways to utilize our technology tools to remind us to reconnect with God and the people in our lives. Then we can encourage others in our life to imitate the mind of Christ in using technology, because our One True Mentor is the best mentor -even in regard to tech. Here are some examples of great tools and practices to download to our phones and our routines.

Remain In Him; let Him Remain in you (based on John 15)

Tools: Bible App and One Minute Pause App

Having the Bible App in a prominent place on our devices ensures that when we are waiting somewhere or have some extra moments, it is the first thing we see! We can trade scrolling social media for scrolling our morning reading in different versions or scrolling through our highlighted verses” to review and refresh. Think about how much more pleasant the world would be if lines were full of people scrolling highlighted apps that calm rather than scrolling through news that frightens or enrages.

Using regular alarms and the timers in the One Minute Pause app, we can intentionally draw our attention to Him rhythmically throughout the day. I prefer to mute John Eldredge (One Minute Pause app) and speak the prayers myself. Occasionally I find that it is hard for me to authentically say the words and in those times, I ask for His help to get me there. (Mark 9:24)

Steward/ Shepherd/ Overseer (1 Peter 2:25)

Imitate Christ as an overseer role in regard to the phone.

First, let’s take a minute to inventory the apps on our phones. How many are there total?

Prune! Explore the apps that have not been used in the last 3 months. Why did you download them at first? Why did you cease using them? How many can you delete or move to a more prominent place on the phone so they are not forgotten? Tool: Delete icon

Plant! Count how many apps turn the focus to God and His Word? What percentage of the day’s activities does this? With several apps, you can build a rhythm of your phone redirecting your gaze to Him. Tool: New City Catechism, One Minute Pause, Bible games or trivia

Oversee! How many apps help steward, shepherd and organize the people and responsibilities He has given us authority over? Keep apps used for Spiritual health on the first “page” of the Home screen (i.e. Bible app, One Minute Pause, Bible, Camera, Marriage Apps, etc.) Move ones that aid in weekly efficiency to the second page (i.e. Calendar, Calculator, Weather, School grade apps, etc.). Use “folders” to group the entertaining ones that pull you away from other responsibilities and put them on a third page requiring more effort to get to them. Tool: Folders on phone, Calendar, Remind App, Notes, etc.

Enjoy! How many are for laughter or play? If you don’t have any that encourage play, why not? Do you have any joke apps or other apps to cue you to laugh? Step lightly with these… some can have things the world finds amusing but are not uplifting. Our God has a wonderful sense of humor and Christ regularly had fellowship with others involving joy. Tool: Just for Fun app; PLAtime on instagram; funny animals on instagram)

The Lamp of our Body - Eyes (Matthew 6:22-23)

Tools: Bible Lens App, First 5 App, Strongs Concordance App, Pauldavidtripp on Instagram

How many apps or the “follows” we choose turn our focus to the negative aspects of the world? How many turn us to the light? Philiappians 4:8 gives a guide on what to think about. Using the folders part of our phones to organize apps in categories like “True, Pure, Honorable, Lovely, Praiseworthy” can help automatically filter some apps when we are thinking of downloading them. Also ones that equip us in “ Marriage, Parenting, Relational, Laughter” etc. can be organized in folders labeled with those titles.

How does social media affect our gaze? Social media is not evil - how we use it can be. Do these platforms and those we follow direct our eyes and ears to content that is pure, honorable, lovely, and praiseworthy? It depends a great deal on what we search and what we give a thumbs up!

How much time do we spend reading or listening to news reports that often cannot be proven to be true? I wish that news consisted of more focus on the “praiseworthy”; what can we find to post and share to show news sources that praiseworthy content is what we prefer?

May He show us how to redeem technology for His Glory and fuel us to PLA well!